Tales of Hogwarts
by Trisyl
Summary: Told from extracts of Ron's diary, this is generally what happens at Hogwarts without mysteries and Voldermort. R&R!


Tales of Hogwarts:  
  
I got the idea of this off Kitty Rainbow's Tales of the LEP, which was awesomely funny, although I can't get the stupid thing onto my favorites list. *bangs computer* Anyway, onto more important things, I don't own the plot, the characters, or anything else in this story. I only own the idea to convert it to Harry Potter-Style.  
  
Also, I realize that everyone's OOC. This is just for fun, a one-shot fic.  
  
centerbTales of Hogwarts: Ron's Diary/bcenter  
  
Day 1  
  
Watched Malfoy eye Harry malevolently during Potions class. Most evil thing I have ever seen. Maybe worse than He-Who-Has- No-Name. Yuck. Told this to Hermione. She said was Malfoy's business if he wanted to eye Harry so obviously. Think Hermione jealous that Malfoy not eyeing her, for different reasons. Decided to Transfigure Malfoy's desk. Tried for snail, but must have yelled too loudly. Malfoy, Hermione and Snape glaring. In big trouble. Desk turned to gold, but Malfoy still complaining. Stupid Malfoy. Next time will make his mouth smaller, so talk less.  
  
Was sent to Professor McGonagall. Now have detention with Snape. Snape looked annoyed. Promised never to do it again. Won't do it again. Will turn desk into toad next time, if wand works right after being cursed by Malfoy this weekend when Harry refused to join Side Of Evil. Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Hermione looked aggravated when sat down next to her. Said that I was pureblooded bully just like people thought Malfoy was. Stopped protesting when Harry said Hermione has crush on Malfoy, and Malfoy bullies her for it. Stupid Malfoy. Now shall have to invade Slytherin dormitories and destroy his bed to make up for Hermione's stupid crush on stupid Malfoy.  
  
List of things that still needs to be done:  
  
~Find Spider-ridding Spells. Urgh.  
  
~Get Hermione to see sense and abandon love for Malfoy.  
  
~Invade Slytherin dormitories, and steal Malfoy's underwear. Hm, boxers or briefs?  
  
Day 2  
  
Malfoy still eyeing Harry in suspicious way. Must get Hermione to make more Polyjuice potion, find what Malfoy up to. Don't believe in innocent Malfoys, even though Hermione does, because of Malfoy's pretty hair. Stupid Malfoy. Now will have to make complicated potion alone, because of Hermione's stupid crush on Malfoy, and inability to "harm" him. Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Have managed to make most of potion, although think that should not have added gillyweed, belladonna, aconite, and wolfsbane. Oh well. Will have to make best of it. Now need part of Malfoy. Wish could slice Malfoy fingers off, but probably too bloody, so will not use fingers. Must settle for his nails or his hair, and refuse to clip his nails, so will have to be hair. Will enjoy this, by yanking prettyboy hair out. Deserves it. Hope that will not get detention for it.  
  
Harry look worried. Told him don't worry, Cho Chang probably got the roses he bought. Looked dreamy, and muttered obscene stuff under breath about her. Now feel nauseous from words he used. Will have to give him Mouth-Cleaning Potion for Christmas. Can get Mom to make it, but will probably have to wear maroon sweater for rest of year. Yuck. Oh well. All for good of Hero-Who-Destroy-He-Who-Has-No-Name. Will do it later.  
  
Served detention with Snape this afternoon, cleaning out jars of boomslang skin. Stole some to use in Polyjuice Potion. Malfoy dead meat with what plan he has now. Stupid Malfoy. Hee hee. Snape look sulky, muttering more obscenities under breath. Looks like Filch, thieving janitory idiot he is. Maybe they brothers?  
  
Day 3  
  
Have managed to sneak into Slytherin dorms, and will pull Malfoy hair out while here, and fulfill Ultimate Revenge for Malfoy existance. Stupid Malfoy. Why did Malfoy get born? World would be joyful place with no Malfoy. Note to self: Will probably have to steal underwear first, in case Malfoy wake up yelling about missing hair. Stupid Malfoy. Hope that will not get caught with detention. Hermione probably throw fit.  
  
Later: Looked in all cabinets in Malfoy's dorm. Could not find any Malfoy-y clothes. Stupid Malfoy. Have instead stolen all underwear from all boys in all dorms. Ha! Stupid Malfoy. Will not be able to stop Weasley Ultimate Revenge!  
  
Day 4  
  
Am now serving second detention of first week of school year. Tried to pull Malfoy hair out last night, and steal all underwear from Slytherin dorm. When tried pulling Malfoy hair out, found that it all came off. Malfoy wear wig! But now cannot use wig for potion, or else will probably turn into giant ugly Muggle-toy Barbie doll. Arrr.. Stupid Malfoy. Will have to try pulling Malfoy hair out in Potions, even though Snape kill me. Snape very not happy to serve detention with me again. He glare all the time, and turn very red. Should not. Red is ugly color on him. Probably just mad because Malfoy turn out bald. Ha! Stupid Malfoy!  
  
Hermione still not heartbroken. Went to Malfoy and enchant him with Hair-Growing Spell. Crying too much over lack of hair to point straight. Am surprised to see Malfoy nose hair growing in golden curls and ringlets, like fairy tale princess hair. Malfoy went to Dumbledore, who said that blonde ringlets are in fashion, and refused to remove nose hair. Ha! Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Day 5  
  
Went to go take shower in morning. Came back to dorm, realized all underwear was gone. Decided to borrow some of Dean's underwear. That was gone too. Every pair was gone. Had to borrow pair from Parvati Patil, who was giggling at thought of underwear-less boys. Mindless giggling. Sent me to dark mental place. Now will have to get a Pensive, to get rid of disgusting memories. Do not like underwear, but at least frilly pink is better than nothing. Just hope that pants don't fall down today. Oh, and Slytherin boxers disappeared. Am very glad. Stank something awful, yuck. Told this to Hermione, who said that should not have stolen Malfoy's boxers. Still in love with Malfoy, yuck. Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Day 6  
  
Pants fell down in Flitwick's Charms class. Were practicing Enlargment Charms with Hufflepuffs. Ernie MacMillian pointed wrong, and Enlarged my pants, so they fell down. Everyone saw Parvati's frilly pink underwear. Face has gone red. Need to get a Pensieve, or Obliviate self. Urgh. Probably Malfoy controlling Ernie. Stupid Malfoy. Now will have to exact revenge. Will probably tape signs to Slytherin boxers saying Malfoy is Idiot, and hang them in the hallway. Hermione would like that. Probably would steal one and get him to sign it, and hang it on a wall. Malfoy would probably sign it too. Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Day 7  
  
Have managed to turn Malfoy's desk into snail, right before class. Have not been caught yet, and timed it to happen just when Malfoy sat down. Malfoy came in, and sat on desk, swinging his legs wildly, though not so wildly that his wig fell off. Just enough to make his nose ringlets swing, too. Then desk turned into silver snail. Do not know what went wrong with spell, only that snail was still alive. Malfoy fell, and squashed silver snail. Am mad at Malfoy. Was planning to keep snail, and name it Sunny. Now will have to Transfigure Malfoy's wig into a snail. Oh well. Do not mind. Will do it for sure.  
  
Polyjuice Potion experiments have been stopped, in favor of Ultimate Revenge. Oh well. Can always pour it into Malfoy's pumpkin juice. Ha! Serve him right! Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Day 8  
  
Have woken up with no hair, and a snail on my head. Have asked Harry to tell Professors that am sick, and to not say anything to Madame Pomfrey. Am sure that this is Malfoy's doing. Will have to be twice as sneaky about next plan. So sneaky that will not even write it down anywhere, although will probably have to keep note to self to buy so many Muggle light bulbs. Hope that Hermione is not too shocked to tell me where to get them.  
  
Later  
  
Hermione too shocked by plan to tell me. Now will have to ask Harry, and do not want to remind him about Malfoy, who tried to recruit Harry for Side of Ultimate Evil again this weekend. Harry did not want to join Side of Ultimate Evil, and was forced to turn Malfoy into a puzzle box, which took all the Slytherins to put back together. Ha! Stupid Malfoy. Will have to go look it up in strange Muggle book called "Fellytone Book", or something.  
  
Day 9  
  
Have been warned by store manager that is illegal to purchase so many light bulbs. Will have to find another way for Ultimate Revenge. Have cooled off by turning Malfoy's desk into a chocolate mouse. Too bad Crabbe ate it, right after Snape said "Finite Incantatem!". In the hospital right now, for surgical removing of the desk. Well, Malfoy's friends even stupider than he, and he doesn't even realize, or else would get smarter henchmen. Ha. Stupid Malfoy. Am very pleased about it, although Hermione has stopped speaking to me. Again.  
  
Day 10  
  
Was writing on my desk in Potions class, when there was a flash of light, and it was turned into an alligator. Have not been too badly injured. Still maintain two fingers, stump of right leg, and one ear, and Madam Pomfrey says all will heal properly, with full body parts. Am very glad. Now can go back to plotting Ultimate Revenge.  
  
Day 11  
  
Have told Hermione that I was Desk Bandit, who keep turning Malfoy desks into things. Received a kick in the stomach, a punch, and the Leg Locker curse. Still very lovey about Malfoy, who still hasn't noticed. Ha! Stupid Malfoy. Was summoned to Snape's office as soon as got back to dormitories. As soon as left Hermione, she called McGonagall, who called Snape. Snape has no choice but to give me another detention. With him. Did not like detention, but have wonderful memory of Snape turning purple.  
  
Day 12  
  
Have successfully turned Malfoy into waterproofed rat, when fed him Polyjuice Potion, complete with rest of Scabbers' hair. Did not know that rats came in blond color. Not white, blond! Hermione adopted him, and named him Draco, although think that will wear off in a month or so. Lucky she does not know is really Malfoy, or would strangle me. Malfoy seems happy, although he squeaks and chitters all the time. Just happy that am not in Malfoy's position. Crookshanks does not like him, and keeps trying to eat him. Ha! Stupid Malfoy.  
  
Author's note:  
  
OK, I DO realize that Polyjuice Potions aren't for turning into animals, but Ron added a bunch of mis-ingredients, so can we just say that they neutralized the effect? Anyway, I hope you liked this fic. If you did, please review. If you didn't, please review anyway! Thank you.  
  
~RowenaRavenclaw/ Trisani Slytherin 


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